Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
You Might Also Like
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter