I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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time for some seasonal decor
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.