When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
We all have our pet causes.
What the dentist sees
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL