imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
english majors be like furthermore
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
🤣🤣🤣