I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Rooting for the overdog
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.