Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
White Castle for the Win
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.