Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
technically true but not a great slogan
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?