Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.