a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I’ve had worse
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died