Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine