Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
How do you milk an almond?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park