Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Okey dokey.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!