If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.