as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.