Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I beg your pardon?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.