Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
fourth time鈥檚 the charm
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: 锛凤讥 锛わ讥锛肌锛激 锛筹集锛碉及
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
corn maze employee: you can鈥檛 smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i鈥檓 popping my way out
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
#growingpains
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.