[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?