hey, alexa
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this