Trying
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*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.