The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Oh the world we live in…
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.