Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
You Might Also Like
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
For the ones in the back.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Britain be like
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now