TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.