COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
That’s it.I’m out.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?