I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know