A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
im all 3
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders