Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I can’t wait!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.