Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Gods work.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.