[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.