Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.