Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.