there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Every time my phone rings
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.