No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Love this one 😂🧟
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???