Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”