Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
You Might Also Like
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening