I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Breaking news:
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.