Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
You Might Also Like
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”