A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
had to share :’)
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Smells like a challenge to me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted