scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
He wanted to make sure😂
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’