*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
the simulation is moving too fast
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable