[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I need better friends
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon