Don’t snitch tag.
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.