[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?