you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Something Saturday.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING