Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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mom gave me mine for free
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me