Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark