pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
So we got a goldfish…
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you