Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.