*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.