“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”