People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.